SOFTNESS

Healing for Tamar

I had my first therapy session this year and during my moment with the therapist, I talked to her about how hyper-independent I am and how tiring and overwhelming it is.

I wanted something that does not include trying to save the entire world all by myself or be the perfect hero.

I remember telling her I wanted “softness.” I want to have a life that’s filled with so much tenderness- I can become all the greatness inside of me and still have a soft life.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve played the “saviour” alot in life- I am the tough hard girl who’s constantly coming back after every hit from life without allowing herself deal with the wounds from the blows.

The tough girl who doesn’t cry or show vulnerability. The tough girl always giving advices or her shoulders for others to lean on while denying herself this same type of grace.

The tough girl who’s forgiving even when she’s crushed to her bones. The tough girl who doesn’t rest because she thinks there’s no time and she needs to hustle 24/7. The tough girl who thinks her being ambitious must take away her humanity- not being able to fall or falter.

The tough girl acting the role of a mother or protector to her friends and doing the hard labour because she thinks she’s the “man” in her cycle and must be strong for her girlies. The tough girl who does not know how to let people love her without the need to compensate for their love. The tough girl who goes beyond and above for others but feels ashamed and small to ask for help.

I was constantly feeling suffocated because it felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders- a weight I shouldn’t have carried in the first place. When I am unable to show up or do things for others, I feel insufficient. If I must love a person, I must always have something to offer as though existing alone is not enough for me to deserve and accept love.I don’t know what softness feels like yet but I know it is something every part of my being craves for.

I want to be every version of me and not be scared of people not accepting the seemingly extra parts of me. I want to be my dramatic self. I want to laugh a lot and be a happy child. I want to rest and glow while doing my life’s work. I want to love and be loved in the most gentle way. I want to unbury parts of me I do not find attractive or pleasing to others. I want to be audacious and authentic yet be very human- I am no robot or a superwoman, I am a mere clay .

At the end of my therapy session, I was given the task to define what “softness” is to me. To create a clear picture of the type of life I really want and make choices that puts me in that direction. My therapist gave me a hack (find or include little forms of softness in your daily life rather than wait for the grand forms of softness to happen. It can be anything like binging a favourite show, resting, cooking, walks, me-time e.t.c.).Anything that brings your life softness both small or big is equally important.

I am now on a journey to unlearning being a “saviour” and learning how to be human first. This feels like one hell of a journey and a lot of naked, uncomfortable truths but it’s much better than hiding behind the mask of a “hard girl.”

I deserve softness and rather than wait for it to magically happen, I am taking the bull by its horn and get it for myself.

I am also scared because it means walking away from the walls I’ve built to shield me. It means leaving the comfort zone of dealing with life with so much toughness. It means getting my ego bruised a lot. It means asking for help and learning how not to tie my worth to how much I can perform for others or myself. It means I cannot save everyone. It means accepting I am not a SUPERHUMAN.

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